What’s curious about the new position is that I get time. Time to think about myself in the same way that this blog is meant to provoke and sometimes it becomes a bit overwhelming to have this clarity about doing more, and to write grocery lists and daydream. Time enough to write this post.
But I know that I should be working. I know that, critically, trying to wedge in thinky time when there should be working time means that later on, all of that comes back to bite you on the ass because the organization and prep work isn’t there. Obviously, my thinky-thinker tells me that this is detrimental to my sanity and has happened all over my life since the beginning of time. Laziness saps the spark from everything, not just what happens from 9-5. It makes it ever more difficult to square yourself even to the easy stuff.
And right now, while I have a budget meeting this afternoon and I’ve made up a list of questions I have, and other tasks are still are on hold, I’ve been trying to stay alert to this. The danger of falling off-task, of taking time for granted and not being mindful of the needs of people who have been good enough to employ your sorry arse.
In light of this, I’ve been inventorying my desk drawers and am starting on the filing cabinets, but things are, for the most part, fairly organized and writing a list to tell me that the stamps are in the upper right drawer doesn’t seem a high-value mission. But I don’t know what else to do! I am certain of the gaps I have in my knowledge that my predecessor was great with and I don’t know yet where they are to figure out how to bridge them. My to-do box has some paperwork to file in, but I can’t find the files for them yet. I’m sure, sooner or later, I’ll know what needs me to be thinking ahead on, what spreadsheets to open and tinker with. I don’t want to tinker in this domain. I guess it’s only been two weeks,and I guess nobody’s concerned yet about me sitting here at this desk, either typing away or looking at my phone. I just can’t let this become invasive. Trying to be friendly to myself and not hold myself to some ridiculous standard, but still, work is work.
My sister will see this and tell me to calm down, or not, but yes. These are the thoughts running through my head.
This morning there were no dreams, warm, cold, or even tepid to report. I did have a profound, searing, splitting, Greek god emerging from the top of my head sort of headache. Going to try and make up for it tonight in every sort of way. That’s awful. Sorry. I am just really glad for a Friday, a stocked pantry to weather the cold and snow over the weekend, and this thing that verges on something approaching something adjacent to peace.