It never ends as one expects when one lies in bed in the morning, savagely willing the sun to sink behind the horizon for just a few more minutes, Nastenka-style. One expects trauma and bedlam after such a start with an irrepressible celestial body emerging from one side of your vision and rising like a bastard prince into the heavens, claiming all as he goes for his own. The day began and I lay there, fielding texts and calls from the boss while I struggled to care enough to stand upright like the sun and put some damn clothes on. Because I had asked to work from home for a time on the printed project which, too, on top of everything else is due on Tuesday, I didn’t have to claw my way out of my warm, if sparsely equipped bed, I just had to focus. And that was hard as hell. So I got up, gathered up a load and a half of laundry and went over to my mother’s with my computer.
I did work, but it was slow-going there too, mostly because I have come to another shade of being a girl who has resigned her post…I don’t give a shit. Not like I used to. I can’t. There are exactly 11 days left for me to leave a job I have spent four years moaning (partially publicly here, partially privately) was inescapable, where I would be chained forever.
Then, my mother and I went to Chili’s because. yeah, the fuck-un-giving and she was kind about things overall and everyone seems to being oddly gentle with me. Driving when I should do it (and will once this super obnoxious flare-up of inexplicable road panic is checked) and my little sister is emailing me about wedding dresses that remind her of me, and everyone in my family seems to be aware of what a critical time this is for me right now and I appreciate their support. I just want to get into a new pattern.
I did go to work, though, and it was typically manic and I got to tell the boss that yeah, when the co-worker goes outside to get cups from storage and slaps on the window to get my attention and make faces after we’ve told her multiple times that we are busy as HALE, it’s annoying. And boss sighed and asked me not to leave her alone with these people. Of course, I feel guilty, I was born with a side of guilt, but a part of me feels validated that I am not crazy…this shit is next level awful.
Then, writing group which was just me with another member and we basically talked through my story and spent an hour and a half talking about it and he was still interested at the end! Another project that needs more of my attention than I am able to give.
Just like this advice column one of my friends tweeted about…that I find pertinent and painful and about things I have to time right now to address, but some day soon!
More to say,…tomorrow!