Things that are amazing to me right now.
1. The fact that I, me, little old, undeserving me gets to get on an airplane and fly both away from her troubles and towards a friend and adventures and a city that is older than her whole country doubled over and beyond.
2. That the writing group can exist for a whole year and not disintegrate and it’s something that I’ve brought into being. That’s pretty delightful and cool. That I could drink a peach margarita and not drive my car off the road. Felt a bit crazed, but I accept that’s just a symptom of how crazy it is in my life right now.
3. That I could feel sick as a dog yesterday night, and feel human and well and far away from the edge of death. Not really hopeful, but not sunk into the idea that my throat is going to close up and I am going to be melted into paraffin.
4. That every day, regardless of how overwhelmed I am by the idea of panic or the stress I’m dealing with right now which is directly impacting my comfort level while driving, I get myself where I need to go. I get to work, I get home.
5. That I can maintain composure when being requested to take a photo and quote for the paper in my unmade-up face because who cares who sees it? It’s a short term situation and I’m trying to figure out how to transfer that mindset to the rest of my work.
6. That people care about what happens to me and have come out of the woodwork to hug me and thank me and give me a money belt as well as ideas for Italy. That they’re throwing me two goodbye parties I will do my best to enjoy and not feel overwhelmingly distracting guilt about.
7. That I will get to go shopping and find some fun things for the trip and feel stupidly decadent for a bit (restrained decadence.)
8. That Mr. C.S. will not be around tomorrow, but even though he’s completed his service hours, he likes us well enough to come and help for my last big event and even though current boss has both his email and his phone and gets to laugh at his jokes on the phone, he will be around one more time before I go and I will get to endeavor to discover if these long glances are just more hunger in the head (or other, less thoughtful places) or if you know, there’s some reason to hope. Some reason to linger here for a while.
9. I know and have ways to calm myself and cheer myself and carry myself over these valleys. I have things that are awesome and excited (Dragon Age: Inquisition) after Italy so I won’t be drug down by the post-elation of this trip and this change and this chance.
10. There’s a big glass of ice water with my name on it as soon as I finish this.