Hear the Quiet: Day Two Hundred-Seventy

488346_97930638oh the incredible mixing of feelings.  on one hand, I feel completely vulnerable and unnerved that we have to announce my leaving to 1000+ people.  on the other, the obnoxious thought went through my mind that people should be freaking out more, there should be more emails.  And I have to stop, because my ego should just calm down so I can survive this transition.  As much as I love current boss, she is not making this easy.  I know there was always going to be a huge wall that I’d slam into whenever I had to leave, but damn, damn, I just didn’t realize I’d break my neck doing it.  We have a huge event and the annual publication it takes me days to proof and even the suggestion that I have to deal with this on top of everything is making me feel, I didn’t want to feel frustrated with her because this is something I’ve dropped on her head to make my life better, but…

There is a feeling I am hunting and I must walk though fire to get it.

Ugh.  I don’t know.  I guess I contemplated how stressful it would be to quit, but I didn’t really absorb how much groundwork should have been laid.  On top of that, I just didn’t realize how powerfully I would react inside.  I can’t just toss everything aside and as my friend suggested, “just let it burn” and I was sure I would just work out until my last day and leave everything in as best shape I could.  But right now, I feel like I’m being pushed to figure out eight years worth of failures and mistakes and compound bullshit (including some things that are making my obsessive mind obsess about having my head run through with a rusty shovel, and this is not at all hyperbole) and lay it out in perfect marzipan-flower form for the next person in thirty days when I’m trying to go to Italy, trying to transition mentally, trying to figure out how to start eating right when every meal feels like triage like I’m somehow helping myself by not doing or eating anything different, ever.  Certainly not a vegetable.  It’s making me just say in my mind, once I’m done, I’m done…but that’s not even true because my current boss is making arrangements with new boss (with my blessing because I can’t say I don’t want to be there anymore and I want to shut the door and not have any more of their responsibilities, I have to oooh, yes, of course, I would be available to help, of couuuuuurse I would want to give my crazy co-worker my new work number, I mean, fuck me.) for me to help with hiring and cross-training.  Suddenly. the burnout feels 100%.

And all of this plays against the fact that people are being so damn nice.  There have been really generous emails and comments from people about it, hugs and people gripping my hand and telling me intently how glad they are for me to be “spreading my wings.”  I’ve already got two lunch invitations and two parties of some degree happening, one of which current boss is throwing, and I feel like such a cunt about it all.

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