Moon Gulch: Day Two Hundred Forty Eight

Nausea, headache and a struggle to complete my sentences.  Also, a fucking annoying sticking m key.

Yeah, no, a bath is required before I puke up the entirety of everything I have ever put in my mouth ever.

….

I am walking on water, sneezing and gagging and spazzing as I go, but I’ve taken the first step to this moment of profound glory that I am striving towards.  It’s exciting if I can get over the momentary physical discomfort that is drawing my interest, distracting me from the story of the day.  Someone other than me and the family knows what I aim to do, what, for all intents and purposes is happening regardless of any cold feet or second guessing I might do.   And she was both predicably and surprisingly, very supportive of my choice.  She said it was a good thing and would make it possible, easier, to find herself easing out of the role she plays.   I bought her coffee and she gave me a hug after I asserted that the job had made me who I was and she insisted that I did it, not the job, and she was so proud of me for all the things I was doing.

Now, I just want to get the description so I can honestly focus on the fact this is happening and not just dwell on the fact that I have this surreal secret that I keep thinking maybe I just imagined.  Or that I’m pretending and there is no offer.

….

A million years ago in a land very near, but yet now quite far away, you told me to be bold.  Now, my boldness feels some how to be compounding, a snowball running down hill and becoming a thing without measure, a thing that is without limits and is dragging me with it.  I run about, tied to its will, mouth agog as these announcements get made.  Quitting, going overseas, and who knows what might come next.   It’s all drawing on my reserves, forcing me to get strength in some very weak muscles and it’s also making me

I went tonight to get dinner at Wendy’s because it was 8p.m. and I hadn’t quite eaten, but I knew I needed to stave off this pain in my head, but they didn’t have what I wanted (I can’t go into it because my stomach will revolt if I so much as detail the ingredients) and so I got something lesser – it’s all lesser, let’s be honest about that – and only a few bites in, I feel like I’m going to die.

Part of this boldness has to be in taking care of my surroundings and myself.  And taking this leap, makes me want to take others.  However, I feel like hell, so charging into this new lifestyle with all of this positive outlook fueling me is just not going to happen tonight.  I hope I can find a way to manage it soon.

Instead, now, going to listen to The Diner and sleep.

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