The strangest things have happened this year. I did not expect for any of this to take place, I was sure that the hamster wheel was going to just keep spinning, and I was just going to have to follow the circular path, step on the same rakes, and take the same shit. I thought I would stay through and help new boss, that I would lead her through the briar patch. Now, I think I’ve scampered out and left her in the middle to fight her way free. This belies the powerful sense of giddy joy I have right now, this undercuts the massive mental shift I’ve undergone, though it is a thought I’m having among so many other thoughts.
So I did not say I would take the job, but I more or less said that the pay offered was right, the timing was right, I was interested, and if she wanted to basically consider me as having said yes, I would not deny it. We were at a coffee shop where we moved away from an acquaintance, into another room, though he found his way in there later on and essentially, as whispery as we spoke, if he did happen to catch the drift and was willing to go so far as to spill my beans, I might be thankful. There are parts of the job as described verbally which are not a perfect fit, but I think with just a bit of training and being given the time to just work one problem to its resolution without having to constantly shift gears to resolve other people’s troubles, I think will go a long way towards getting me comfortable with the new duties. I would also have health insurance paid for on top of a bit of a raise which, to me, sealed the deal.
I have no idea how I’m going to make the telling and explaining part happen – never let myself get too detailed in the daydreaming when all of this was just conjecture and maybes. I am looking forward to being said goodbye t0. To having people really come to terms with everything I made happen. I don’t want them to worry, just, to see what I see right now…which is how untenable my position, my life has become. To want me to fly or at least, not want to drag me down. Maybe it’s too much to hope for that I can glide through this insane business unscathed. Tomorrow, I meet with my mentor and she’ll be the first person I tell outside of my incredibly supportive family (almost overwhelmingly so) that this is going to happen.
Other news, Italy is coming up fast and I have just begun to allow myself to realize what it means to be traveling across the ocean on my own – the frightfulness inherent in such a journey, but also, nobody will have a clue or a demand on me and there will be just one edict to follow: what feels right. I am learning the power of that as we speak.