Rose Colored Glasses: Day Two Hundred Thirty-Five

12930_4854Huh.

I will talk about that tomorrow?  Can it be sufficient to say that if you tell the universe you honestly want freedom, sometimes it turns around and offers it? If you compare yourself to a girl on a diving board waiting for a signal to jump, it will signal you.  Sometimes, you think you’re having a year that is testing you, a return of Saturn that is pushing you, and then you realize, yes, you are being tested and pushed and signalled, and what the hell are you going to do about it?

Maybe there’s a chance that the job that might have been mine ten months or so ago if I could have found away to make the leap then has evolved into another shot.  That there’s another request for me to leave where I am and work for my sister’s employer – a place where, I’d guess I could make similar money with less stress, so much less stress, and

I have more than five hundred words, but first, I think, a bath.

Yesterday, I would have daydreamed about this possibility but capped every notion off with a swift kick of reality that I am stuck in my job, because I’m so needed there and it would be so harsh to them to up and leave them now, not even a year into new boss’ term with us.

I am officially shaving my legs for the guy doing community service.  I’m officially going to bring my blobby self into his field of view with shorn legs.  I’m going to be at least 2% aggressive about my plan of seeing his face with my eyeballs.  I’m officially aware of what he’s done now and I’m officially saying I don’t really give a shit.  This time tomorrow morning, I’ll be down at the market or in the office and I’m sure he won’t be there, but off doing something that is not servicing me, I’m afraid.  I will be really angry tomorrow morning and no one will know why.  It will make me mad even though I know that the best I can even anticipate is one more conversation, and that’s why I’m going there that early.  Not to wig out about a potential job offer or to get the materials together for the project I should have done today.

I really can’t be thinking about this – my desk at work is like my room at home: representative of a deeply unsettled individual, unsettled and disordered and I’ve always told myself that my only integrity might be to get organized in time to turn this over to someone else.  Nobody is expecting this.  Nobody is ready for this.

But I have to look out for me and the psychic told me I should not be working there, the tarot reader said it was time to make everyone get out of my way and get the healing I need, and I have become increasingly aware that I am tired of what I’m doing, the burden it puts on me, the life it’s keeping me from.

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