Sudoku Guru: Day Two Hundred Seventeen


Too much.

I didn’t walk this morning.  I got up in time to do it, but the blisters on the back of my ankles.  I feel how much that might still be an excuse and I should have somehow fought through it…

You know what, I’m pretty amazed with myself.  I got myself to work.  I worked as hard as I could, despite having a couple random nosebleeds that apparently terrified my co-worker into insisting that I drive myself home.  I ignored her because there’s way too much to do to just spaz out and leave.  That said, it was rough.  I was sad and tired and emotionally hungover from the funeral and took as much latitude as I could to honor those feelings without having to repeat to everyone I met what happened and why I needed to breathe and shut the door and deal with all of it.   Didn’t quite work, but I tried. And then my boss had to put her dog down and artists complained about their spaces and I ate all of the rice cakes I could and cherries and leftovers to compensate.  Imperfect compensation, but somehow…

But at the same time energized that I am going to get this festival off somehow, and I am doing something for myself, and I am believing somehow in the idea of beautiful things and a happy future.   It’s going to pass, somehow.   And there’s friendships and joys to count and luster in between these big gaps that run out at me.  There’s the cosplay dress for Atlanta, the chance to do it properly and to really look like and enjoy doing it and not feel half-arsed.  There’s Italy, me in Italy being alive and away from any and all of these troubles.  It’s happening, even if I don’t believe it, I am going to soar over a whole ocean to a place where nobody (save one or two people) have ever, ever heard of me or would ever think twice about me.   I will be utterly free as a vagabond off to see the world and its remarkable secrets that have been before I ever was and will go on long after me.  I have my writing to get going, I want to rearrange this room and get the books all aligned and dusted.  I have no reason to ever be bored.

Because worry and complaint all these past months has not done a damn thing to solve problems – but reading, a few pages at a time, picking up a few things as I can, keeping up good habits.  Just not kicking myself in the ass is a big deal.  I’m thinking back to the negativity and just the sadsack posts that I’ve put up around here of late.  And as overbearing and overwhelmed as I am, there are good things going on.

Got to get a little fire in the belly, get some momentum going as we stream furiously towards Rome.  Towards a whole goddamned life rather than focusing on the problems.

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