Batter My Heart

By: L.

Feb 20 2012

Tags: postaday2012

Category: self

Leave a Comment

I am way too caffeinated for it to be appropriate for me to be writing a post right now.  But I have 45 minutes before I go home and my desk is not clear, but my brain certainly is – having blasted every last bit of sense out of it with an espresso that would make The Flash ask for a chance to catch his breath – and I am aiming to make some use of it.  Before the heart palpitations set it.

So, I finished Agorafabulous.  Yay.  I’m glad to know I can still read.  Was worried about my ability to finish a book, but I cradled it all last night,surrounded as I was by my guitar and laptop and cellphone and whatever other artifacts of modern, hipster lifestyle that you can imagine.  It inspired me and didn’t destroy my life with hypochondriacal distress.  Though I woke up this morning a bit out of sorts due to a really lengthy and eventually sad dream (I was holding hands with someone and we were wandering around this epically sized mall/airplane terminal and I was very happy until somehow I lost hold of his hand – whomever he was, sort of a Mr. Rochester robot  - and I was sort of Assassin’s Creeding my way about, jumping and diving and I couldn’t find him and I started to get very slow and it was difficult to move and I got confused and I woke up just in the midst of all of this confused state) and the fact that the whole house was an icebox.

I’m hoping to set back into The Perks of Being a Wallflower and march steadily towards completing that.  I like it – but it isn’t my experience.  It’s rather, I think, like Catcher in the Rye.  You have all these ideas of what it should be like, after all you’ve heard about it being such a quintessential book encapsulating a teenage experience and it’s just not my experience.  Not so far.  Some of it, the emotionalism, but the rest, not really.  But I’m just ready to start finishing books if I can’t finish anything else.

Yeah, the boss isn’t in today.  I haven’t been super productive.  I have been relentlessly wasteful of my time.  But I’m calm – aside from the caffeine jolts and  the realization that wasting time now will just add pressure later - and I just want to stay calm.  I just want to enjoy being a little bit out from under the gun.  I feel like that will help.

….

So, I’m home.  Ready to finish this off while the cats are cuddling very sweetly and giving themselves a good wash at the end of the bed.  I want to achieve things.  Mark things off.  I want a night worth of tasks complete so that I can wallow about in psychic  numbness without looking over my shoulder.   I want to enjoy the time that has been portioned off for my own.

I was all libido today.   I need to vent.  I feel rather backed up.  I feel rather manic.  It isn’t just the coffee, but I am so sublimated there is a  floor in China which is the only place that sees me dance.