Batter My Heart

By: L.

Jan 30 2012

Tags: postaday2012

Category: self

Leave a Comment

How far can you go in twenty minutes? Ahem.  How far can I go in typing this post and saving myself from the brain damage it regularly gives me tonight. Not that I’m complaining as I clearly ask for this – it’s just a question of timing and I haven’t typed this at work in forever.  Guilt? Not me.  And even if I only get sixty-some words added in here, well, that’s sixty-some words I don’t have to process tonight when I really want to exercise (just a little bit, nothing, you know, strenuous.)

…

Well, that was the plan three hours ago.   But things are still good, lest you think that I could throw away all my ambition in the time it takes to watch a Lord of the Rings film.  I got home and made my pasta and got my carrots out and I thought, okay, you’ve had a decent day all the way around.  You’ve had breakfast – cereal – you’ve had a frozen meal for lunch with some grapes and melons and now you’ll eat these dried apples, have some pasta, carrots, and some sugar free pudding and it won’t be HEALTH FOOD, per se…it won’t be the food someone would eat if they were radically trying to lose weight, but it will make me feel stronger about not eating the things I might be eating.  And so, that’s what we did.  I did.  Whatever.  At any rate, things coulda gone haywire.  Things coulda gone pear-shaped just for the sake of novelty, but they didn’t.   One of the guys that works upstairs brought down a box of chocolate bars to sell for his daughter’s kindergarten class and I bought one for a dollar and it is still, intact, sitting there on my desk, waiting for me to bequeath it upon some other soul.  I’ve told myself…if there is only one act left of good will towards better myself in my system…I want it to be not eating that candy bar.  Just because.  Nobody will know if I do.  Nobody will care.  But it’s my line in the proverbial sand for the moment.

And I wanted to exercise and I don’t know if I’m going to have time for that what with having to get up early tomorrow and my friends and I all watching the pretty devastating film Third Star and all of us psychically limping as a result.    We’ll see.

I just want to give myself a little bit of a helping hand by not throwing broken glass in my path to navigate.  I have enough troubles.  My co-workers want to set me up with a guy my age they saw in a magazine.    And maybe my sense of humor is a little fucked.  And tomorrow, you ridiculous creatures that read this blog, tomorrow has the chance to be worse so I have to hold on to those small measures I can take when I can take them.

It doesn’t take three hours to lose my ambition.  It doesn’t take three minutes.

I stand before you, more than anything else, a blade of grass in the wind.