Batter My Heart

By: L.

Jan 29 2012

Tags: postaday2012

Category: self

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Well.  Progress can come in many different varieties.  I choose to think that today was a day of forward motion versus anything else.  I didn’t go anywhere which may not seem like progress to anyone, especially someone rather prone to social anxiousness and agoraphobicishness, but what it meant was no eating out, no cascading errors at the grocery store, no getting overwhelmed by choice and choosing wrong just to laugh at my superego who is so hoping that this time is the time and this place is the place.

I was here.  Just here. And I ate sensibly, I think.  A bit full up on apple rings again, but I consider the alternative, I consider even yesterday and I do think, okay, progress.  Some signs of an ability to pull back the reins a little bit and focus on the issue at hand which is never hunger…just a desire to get away from whatever thoughts and feelings are cropping up.

What I sometimes forget – no, always forget – is that when you deal with things that need to be dealt with (the fact that you’re sitting in the house alone is okay, it’s not your optimal choice, but you are okay in your own skin or the fact that you aren’t super fantastic at your instrument and you want to be because you have it in your head that if you somehow have an easily shared talent someone will see you as remarkable and pluck you up out of your dreary existence and bring you up to the stars where you belong even if you don’t have it set in your head that you’d be all that comfortable or excited about being up the stars – they’re fucking high – and you’d be much happier in reality with someone just being around and being nice every now and then, but the stars thing seems just as likely so that’s where your mind goes OR that some really weird things are going on with your hair and it is possibly symptomatic of something health-wise and you should probably look into that but you know you never will because if anything was wrong it would definitely be the fatal kind of wrong and you’d have to face the fact that your life was over without all these things that you really wanted to know about or really wanted to try or really wanted to experience for yourself without just investing in other people’s experiences and impressions or even worse that if you ARE dying, then,  technically there would be no excuse for not flinging yourself out there at every opportunity before your impending demise and you wouldn’t do that anyway so what does it matter – you have to deal with all of that, sure.

But, there are good things that crop up, like finding birthday checks from your grandmother and playing that g-c-d chord progression because it sounds nice to you and not because it’s perfect and beating that race in Assassin’s Creed because that’s what’s happening now.