Batter My Heart

By: L.

Jan 28 2012

Tags: postaday2012

Category: self

Leave a Comment

Typing through the yawns.  Short bursts.  Bought Punch Brothers tickets for my sister and I despite being rather gobsmacked by the service charges.  Nevertheless, I am extraordinarily excited.  Have never been to the Bluebird.  Am going, once I get my Itunes card out, to buy Antifogmatic because that’s only right, to own it outright.  Listening to Flora Reed whom I love and have done for ages even though I don’t think I’ve ever seen her face.  Taking a break from Assassin’s Creed as I was starting to get rather nervous for Ezio who seems rather careless with his life climbing church buildings that are so nerve-wrackingly high even if I know he can’t properly die, it’s just excessively high.  Worked on my ukulele and learned about about 1-4-5 chord progressions and a bit about the keys of songs, things that were completely foreign to me yesterday and now have helped me see my way a bit further.  Ate.  Would not care to eat ever again.  Sister said she heard Winter Winds on the radio which made me smile and I am almost over the terrible jealous, envious, lesser human being feelings which sat in my stomach this afternoon.  I did laundry and have a bit more to do.  Still need to make my bed up properly.   Took some garbage that epic distance to the dumpster.   Carved paths to all the most important places.  There’s really only a bit more laundry to do and hopefully some help will arrive to hoist the heavy tupperware up and back into the closet where it belongs.  Uhm, unfortunately (?) went to the grocery store, and made some pretty aggressively bad decisions. Trying to will myself to not be upset about the terrible jealous, envious human being feelings rising up.  Thinking and knowing and being aware that the only way out is a pretty aggressive good decision.  One I’ve never been able to make.  Trying to sit with myself and not want to fling myself Ezio-like out a window is getting difficult.  It’s funny to watch how what you eat can make your brain destroy your ego on a whim.  It’s funny, but not really.  I told myself I’d go to bed rather early and skip out on all these sorts of opportunities for failure.  I told myself that if I wasn’t conscious, I couldn’t really make anything worse, but it seems that doesn’t seem to make a whit of difference.

You get the idea that if you just keep choosing, just keep running slap-dash into walls, keep falling off of basilicas and watchtowers that you’d learn something about balance.   But you don’t because life isn’t all that much different from a video game.  If you don’t die, you’ll stand up, dust yourself off, and climb back to the place you fell, under the assumption that this time, you’ll press the button in the right way and the programming will support your effort.

I think if I felt all the things I distracted myself from by eating, I could be an assassin.  I couldn’t leap on the tiled rooftops, but I could find my way to their doorstep, blade in hand.