Batter My Heart

By: L.

Jan 27 2012

Tags: postaday2012

Category: self

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This post has been called on account of rain.

And we’ll make our escape under the cover of black and gray umbrellas, out through the secret passage way and into the brisk, ozone-filled air.   All our troubles well forgotten.

It’s a nice dream, isn’t it?  To just skip out on all your responsibilities.  All your troubles.   Go off into the night free as a bird.  Not my luck, but sometimes I crave it.   And the worst part of it is that the only permanent cure is to face those responsibilities.

I haven’t eaten and I need to.  Not for distraction or escape

Tomorrow, I plan to rise and attack.  Laundry and scraping off down to the floorboards.  I want to get rid of half of everything, or at least a good few percentages.  I want to not have this huge weight of crap of clutter just dragging me down and keeping me tethered to its eventual, but ever kicked forward, removal.  I want to get to the future and not find all my crap there, staring at me, waiting for me.  It feels like you could sit at the cool table except for all these promises made to things in the past, kids that you aren’t even friends with anymore but you can’t abandon for some reason that no longer even makes sense.  It’s just a priority you hold onto until it’s been converted into this ironclad habit, an addiction.   It’s sad.  It’s tragic.  It’s not what I want.  I wonder why I always give in, even being aware like I am, of the reasons.

It would be great to be a better person.

All you can do is try in small ways and play the broken record one more time.   If we’re not done, it’s not time to stop.

Things it is good to remember when you know that you are offering the archive a really terrible post that changes nothing, commemorates nothing, salvages nothing, is hopeless and rude and makes you feel exhausted typing it not to mention trying to read it:

1. Global warming is real.  Snow spat and kissed the ground and melted away in less than an hour today.  Huzzah for chemicals destroying our ozone layer.    Huzzah for our race’s inevitable extinction.  I am safer and warmer now as a result.  Really, this is the global warming bubble that we’re sitting in right now, in the rosy, proto-spring glow of a future that will burn the flesh off the bones of our descendants.  If, that is, we descend.

2. It really only takes one good idea to set you off on the road you want to walk.

3.  Eventually, you will escape even if it means you get hit by an oncoming train when you forget to look both ways.  So cheer up.  It’s not actually hopeless.

4.  Everything sounds a bit more chipper accompanied by a ukulele.

5.  Or if that doesn’t work, there’s always ABBA.  Or a quick blow to the temple.  Or the last resort of the desperate, sarcasm.